Dear Diary: Why Did I Choose This Line of Work?

Neon Migraine 5’ x 10’

Neon Migraine 5’ x 10’

Time. Perspective. Anxiety-laden terrible sleeps. Self doubt. FEAR. Crying. And a whole bunch of other shit. This work isn't for chumps.

I’ve emerged from the really-heavy-almost-one-month-long fog after completing 12 new paintings for my upcoming solo show in London this September with the inevitable thoughts about time and what would I have done differently if I had more of it.

This is an ongoing narrative for me. The thing is yes you can always use more time but for me there has to be an end date otherwise I spend too long faffing around in the experimental phase. The trouble I find that every single time, I push it into the last possible moment where I should have already made the shift from still painting to documentation. I’ll be painting well past the point where I should have stopped but there is always something that goes a bit sideways, or things aren’t resolving the way you want them to. It’s art, it’s messy, and while I can have a rough framework to work in a hard and fast end date is something I’m still working at getting better at. I’m not a robot, this isn’t a production line product, we have to leave room for the things to unfold as they need to. All this to say there is a balance that I am still negotiating.

There can be magic within tight timelines where there simply isn’t time to second guess yourself too much. My work plan consisted of make as many pieces as I can, curate them afterwards. For the most part this worked and only 2 pieces didn’t make the cut (they remain unfinished and a problem for some other time.)

What’s left to do in the documentation department? Lots of things… I still need to finish writing my artist statement, take better photos (ugh!) and finish naming the pieces (some titles came easily, others are taking their time to reveal themselves to me)

Then it’s straight to logistics and shipping the canvases to the stretcher in London and trying not to die every time I look at how much everything costs (not for chumps! I worry that I may be a chump deep down) This has been a bit of stumbling block for me and I had a well duh moment yesterday when I wanted to figure out why I’ve been resisting looking at this objectively. Last year I shipped my work to London and one of the large pieces was damaged, you may remember I wrote about that here. I was mortified and super embarrassed (good times!) and it looks like I may still have some trust issues around that (genius!)

Worse than having the work damaged is that I feel like I used up my you really fucked up card and yet here I am again doing something crazy and hoping that it all works out but really crazy stressed that something is going to go wrong again. I say this not for tiny violins but I know last time I kept most of my shitty imposter syndrome feelings inside and kind of suffered from it. This time I’m sharing it while it’s happening, in REAL TIME with the hopes of, I don’t know, just sharing I guess.

So there you have it, I made some ridiculous large work, am overwhelmed by all the things, and am scared shitless about it. This post was just supposed to be a short bit about Time and Perspective but I may have lost the plot here.

In other news I am trying to raise some funds to make all this happen. I applied for a grant that I sadly did not get and am paying out of a pocket that has a giant hole in it. Is it even really a pocket then? Probably not.

Anyway, it’s been suggested that I start a GO FUND ME campaign (hilariously just typed it out as GO FUCK ME, god I need a good night sleep) but I would rather do something to earn your cold hard cash so if you’re an artist and are thinking of working with me for all things related to your brand, now is an excellent time to book in with me. Even if you can’t start right away. Let’s commit the time and get you sorted. I have a couple of new offers here to help with your artist statement and bio and here to provide an artist brand critique.

Email me if you want more details, and please pass this on to your friends or network that could benefit from this. Thank You! xxx

*Alternatively, if you’d like to buy me a coffee every penny will be put towards the show expenses.